LOVE AND ATTACHMENT: Getting it Right

Speaking Tree, Times of India, 15.02.2018

Easy Read:

A young student of mine wrote to me recently and enquired: “Is getting attached to anyone or anything bad? What is the difference between attachment and love?” It is not an uncommon question she had asked. Here’s my explanation:

According to Buddhist definition, there is a distinction to be made between loving someone or something and being attached to it. For this, fundamentally we must understand the difference between 'attachment' and 'love’.

Attachment (Tib: due pa) is based on desire - not necessarily limited to sexual – but one which is grasping in nature based on the ignorant state that things and people are permanent. Attachment is conditional love and is discriminatory in nature. This means that there is a pre-condition set in order to offer love eg: if the judgemental mind establishes a ‘closeness’ to someone or something then we tend to cling to it or grasp at it more and at times don’t seem to get enough of it! If not then we are less interested in it and may even begin to dislike or hate it. There is an ‘if-then’ conditionality linked to it. Attachment is based on 'object' of love arising from a selfish perspective of ‘i alone want to be happy’. There is an action we offer based on ‘subject-object’ duality. Attachment is binding. For these reasons attachment is based on wrong or impure consciousness. Attachment is a non-virtuous, afflictive or contaminated emotion (akushala bhava) leading to negative karma and suffering.

Nature does not support attachment. A tree is not attached to the flower or fruit it bears. Nor does the flower or fruit show any such tendency. On ripening, there is a spontaneous release from both. Same is the case in the animal kingdom. A tigress loves her cub no less than any mother would love her child; but once the cub is sufficiently grown up to fend for itself, there is natural and spontaneous release from the tigress and cub.  

Love (Tib: jampa) on the other hand is based on understanding of impermanence. That something which is born will pass away and hence there is need and reason to love.  This emotion is desireless for any reason whatsoever. It is unconditional and non-discriminatory i.e. there is no pre-condition of 'if-then' at play here.  Much the same way as a mother loves her child unconditionally. It is based on 'reason' for love arising from the basis that it’s not just me alone but all beings who want to be happy and not be in suffering; and therefore need our affection. Love is releasing. For these reasons it is seen to be coming from right or pure consciousness or we can say, mindful consciousness. Sanskrit words used often here are 'karuna', ‘metta’ and 'maitri'. Loving kindness is a virtuous, non-afflictive or uncontaminated emotion (kushala bhava) that leads to joy and positive karmic result.

So, it is clear that any and every kind of relationship should have a close bonding for one another based on love/loving kindness, care being taken that contamination of attachment does not seep in. This maintains the purity of the relationship which becomes stronger, long lasting and capable of weathering many a storm during one’s life.

Attachment is therefore a kind of emotion that needs to be purified and be replaced with its positive counterpart, that of loving kindness. There is danger of attachment becoming a habit if we are not careful to see the difference.

Go ahead! Expand your heart with real love and true affection upon all other beings!

Girish Deshpande(The author is a Pune based practitioner with Ngakpa ordination of the Nyingma tradition of Palyul lineage. More on www.urbanlama.blogspot.com and www.speakingtree.in )